turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
