New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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