I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
