did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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