in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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