Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
