I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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