Soap is not a condiment
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
