sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
