My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
