if i died would you start the facebook group?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
