did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
