you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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