I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I need to align my fucking chakras
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
