I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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