and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
