Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
