I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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