You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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