I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
