ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
