It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
