Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
