What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
