shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
