Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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