i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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