Are we in a gay sports bar?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
