the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
