My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The uberlube is also flammable
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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