I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
