you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
