your room smells of hookers.
And success
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
