capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
