no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
