In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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