So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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