So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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