From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
