im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
