I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
