direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
