ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I did not marry a roomba.
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