I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
