No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
