I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
