brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
