I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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