when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
