dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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