His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
