RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
