apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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