somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
