he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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