She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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