I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He has the fingertips of a God
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